Someone needs to write a book about the unspoken things that parents go through. Maybe I’ll volunteer as tribute, and, then I’ll gift it to ALL mommas at baby showers. Possibly with a warning note attached : “read this AFTER you give you birth”. It’ll be full of things that we don’t even think to prepare for. Things no one warns us about! That precious newborn smell doesn’t last very long…so, ditch those fifty newborn size onesies, baby blankets, and baby milestone books, and give us the cold-hard truth!
Now that I’m on this crazy parenting adventure, I seriously wish that I could apologize to every mom I whispered about, and rolled my eyes at (before I had a kiddo). Every child I scoffed at for screaming in public. Each time I rolled my eyes when a kiddo was laying on the floor, while waiting in a long line. Oh, and ESPECIALLY when I used to consider switching tables at a restaraunt, if we were sat next to someone with a small child. Now that I think about it, I was pretty harsh, and this might actually be Karma…
But, seriously you guys…brace yourselves for screaming banshees, karate kicks, trashing your couch due to potty training (not even essential oils could touch that thing), and random poop messes in brand-new clothes. Peed through pull-ups will soak your bed sheets at least once a week. Oh, and have some Thieves Hand Sanitizer at ALL times, because you will easily touch poop and pee daily.
As soon as you hit the third trimester, say goodbye to sleep. Those 8-12 hours you used to get? It’s never happening again. While attempting to sleep, I hope you enjoy feet jabbing into your ribs both inside the womb and out. In a year or so, your hair will start getting pulled at 3am, and a tiny human will be screaming in your ear demanding milk/juice/water, the second you finally fall asleep. Also, prepare yourself for leaky, achy boobs. I’m talking a puddle of breastmilk on your sheets. Leaky boobs in public will inevitably happen too, so pack an extra shirt for you (and plenty of extras for your babe’s poop explosions).
Plates of food will be tossed across the table, or purposely spilled on the floor. Food that was their favorite yesterday, and what they asked for 15 minutes ago. But, wait! Tomorrow a food strike will occur, and last for a few days. You’ll wonder how your kid STILL has energy, even though they are surviving off animal crackers. Oh, that energy. It’s something else, and it begins as soon as your child can crawl. Every morning, when they open those beautiful eyes, it begins. And, it will not slow down. Because, sleep isn’t a thing, remember?
Get used to hearing “mommy” or “daddy” 5 gazillion times a day, and the question, “Will you play with me?” WHILE you’re playing with them. Come to terms with never having a clean house again, except maybe for 15 seconds. You should probably just wear shoes in the house anyway, because your feet WILL be stabbed by tiny dinosaurs, legos, and toys you never even knew your kid owned. Be fully prepared to step on those in the shower too. Speaking of showers, also say goodbye to uninterrupted bathing. Oh, and pooping alone.
For those rare moments of solitude, think about getting yourself some child-proof locks on the cabinets, and hide a bottle of booze under your sink, along with a few bottles of Stress Away essential oil (I’m only kind of kidding). You might want to hide some snacks too, because your junk food stash WILL randomly disappear.
Going out in public is my favorite! It’s always a race against how long our child can stay tantrum-free. Will she start screaming down aisle 5, because she saw Elsa on a box of cereal we refuse to buy? Or down aisle 12, because Princess Poppy is on a box of band-aids, and she thinks she needs five of them, for the boo-boo she got 2 weeks ago. You might even make it all the way to the check out line, your groceries are loaded up on the belt, you’re almost in the clear! But, then….she spots that damn mermaid doll sitting under the candy…and the bomb explodes!
Needless to say, parenting is an adventure. A grand adventure, where every day is both the same and completely different. My daughter is an absolute blessing, and I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I laugh more now than I ever have, and I learn something new each day. But…please stop pretending like it’s a picture perfect adventure. Don’t be afraid to tell us these poop-filled, banshee screaming, hair yanking stories. We need to know we aren’t the only ones! And we need all the preparation we can get!
May the force be with all you amazing parents!
An incredibly exhausted threenager momma
(Thankfully I do have an arsenal of essential oils at my disposable. Something for almost EVERY situation. But, can I hire someone to just follow me around and sprinkle me with some Stress Away oil? Constantly. If I move, they move. Sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle. Which, reminds me! Stress Away makes the perfect baby shower gift too. Just saying! Join my Facebook Oily class to learn more about all that amazingness, here)
(my saving grace)